What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I will be 64.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

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Why did i forgive my father ?

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

She was in good health!

How do I seduce a maid for sex?

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

As i do to all so called friends.?

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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

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Would this be the day?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I was scared of men, in general

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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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And who doesn’t know suffering?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Who then, do I blame.?

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

All the time i was locked up.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

She married twice! .

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I never cut or harmed myself..

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

One cannot live in the past .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I was very sick at this time too.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I could never make a relationship work though!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

We were not on the streets..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But ive been too sick for many years..

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I said to her

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Put me off passion for life!!

Was to survive, this bastard.

She found it foreign!.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But it wasn’t much.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

He knew the spot.

I think the readers, may guess!

Im still living with it.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Especially a lifetime of it.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

My family never makes their pension either.

I don,t even have a pension.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

(And it was in our own minds.)

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

And i lived it daily.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

This is soul school!.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

So whats the point in blame.

My life is so biszare .

Ive learnt so much.

I was seconnd youngest,

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

She wouldn,t have been !

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But, we were locked up after school.

I waited trembling.

She loved him until the end.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

So, i spoilt her more .

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

It was going to be , some day.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I write beautiful poetry .

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

On the 31st of Jan this month .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I have no regrets .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

When she asked me how she looked .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We all went to grammer schools

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He resisted the act ,that day.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I was 9 years of age.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Comes on , in middle age.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

What did i know ?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.